Why Los Angeles Sucks

#4: The Beach

utopian55 — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 07:06:59 +0000

Doesn’t it sound refreshing taking a nice swim in the clear, warm waters of LA’s beaches?

Well forget it. The water is dark, dirty, cold, and filled with the bodily waste of those unfortune enough to have eaten a bacon-wrapped hot dog from one of the nearby vendors. Oh but don’t worry, the sun will be out just as promised thanks to the great weather. That way you can get skin cancer while flapping around in a cesspool of filth.

Mmm Mmm, feels just like Baywatch.

#3: The Food

utopian55 — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:10:18 +0000

The LA dining scene is comprised of 3 things: Celebrity hot spots, Mexican food, and hot dog carts.

Celebrity hot spots are expensive and off limits for the peasants, so you can skip those. Mexican food here is not like Mexican food in Mexico. The only similarities are the guaranteed diarrhea, so you can skip those. People say the hot dog carts here trump those in NY because we wrap our dogs in bacon. However, those people are unaware that that is not bacon, but a thick layer of bacteria from swimming in piss for 4 hours in the sun. So you can skip those.

So why is the food so great in LA again?

#2: The Ethnical Diversity

utopian55 — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:12:41 +0000

They say LA is a melting pot. A mix of people from all over the world. They’re right. We have Northern Mexicans, Southern Mexicans, Guatemalans, Salvadorians, Nicaraguans, and Costa Ricans. All types of Latinos! Is that what they meant?

Note to tourists: Learn Spanish before you visit.

#1: The Weather

utopian55 — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 02:30:14 +0000

It’s fucking Spring now and fucking 60º here every fucking day. Get warm already, bitch.